Top 10 Bedroom Tips for Ladies

***Disclaimer: I am not a trained psychologist, psychiatrist, sex therapist or any other type of licensed professional health care giver.  Nonetheless, this is not my first rodeo!

Ladies, I have come to find men are basically the less complicated gender of the Homo sapiens.  Simplicities like sports, food, sex, hunting/fishing and building things (not necessarily in any particular order) can often keep them amused for long spans of time.

However, occasions spent in the bedroom (or other places where intimacy happens) may be a wee bit more complex.  This is my somewhat tongue-in-cheek Top 10 List of Bedroom Tips. You may find it helpful for navigating those dangerous sexual waters and keeping harmony in the relationship.

1. Don’t use sex as a weapon for negative behavior or as a reward for  positive behavior. Sexuality should stand unparalleled.  The relationship tends to become more complicated when your other conduct plays a part in intimacy. For example, “I am furious at you for going out with your friends and getting drunk last night, so NO shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet for you this week.” Discuss a different reward/punishment system and make it part of your set of agreements.

2. Stay away from comparisons.  “My ex used to do this.” “Yeah, I would say he was bigger.”  Very few intimate partners want to hear about your previous horizontal playgrounds. However, this is different from telling him what you would like him to do to you. That is highly encouraged.  Merely, don’t reveal how you learned it.

3. Give out fellatio/oral sex/blow jobs/polishing the trailer hitch like candy on Halloween.  That keeps them extremely happy. Not kidding.  If you can’t stomach swallowing high fructose porn syrup, do not fret.  He will still appreciate your gesture.  Simply have a towel handy.

4. He wants to go immediately to the main course. You want to enjoy a few appetizers first. Foreplay is fun and sexy. Make him wait. He will ultimately be more explosive.

5. Being slightly tipsy is a splendid way to dissolve inhibitions. However, polluted-hammered-shit faced-wasted sex is most often a waste of time and energy. Not only will you wake up with a hangover, you will most likely, be sore or bruised from some antics you can’t quite remember.

6. Be the initiator and aggressor as often as him.  Regardless of how manly he is in the board room or on the football field, he enjoys kicking back in the bedroom and allowing you to assault his friendly weapon…often!

7. Read books about sex or watch instructional videos to spice up life in the bedroom and be open to experimentation. Role playing and toys can add a new dimension of excitement and pleasure. Nevertheless, be warned: Fulfilling his dreams of a three-some may create some unexpected repercussions down the road. Think: Stalkers, STD’s, etc. There are a lot of weird ones out there. Choose carefully.

8. Be proud of your body and uninhibited displaying it. Men are visual monsters. That is why they are the big consumers of porn – not us. He is passionately enthusiastic about your body no matter what size, shape or color. Otherwise you would not have gotten this far (e.g. bedroom) in the first place. Show it off. Make things steamy in the way you present it to him…slowly. Drives ‘em crazy.

9. Don’t make a deal about his sexual dysfunction (unless it is an ongoing issue).  Sure, you may be 25 and he is 26 and you laugh at such a statement. “That will NEVER happen to us.” Trust me….if you live long enough and remain sexually active, you will most likely have a partner who experiences it.  Just move on…and try everything another day. Stay cool and do not frustrate him any further by asking questions in bed.

10. A firm rule is to keep away from urination, defecation, blood and bruising. Shut your gaping mouth! There are actually people who enjoy this stuff. You may too. But, hey, it’s MY list.

Life is short.  Try one idea to improve yourself daily.